The Not a patch on Archive

Spurs v Latics – thoughts from the otherword

aka, Blackpool seafront

So what with all the clichéd stereotypical nonsense that will be floating around under the guise of match previews and predictions this weekend, notapatchon decided to make a good use of NRP’s dinner break and send him down to see Gypsy Sammy Lee down on Blackpool prom to see if she’d get her ball’s (of the crystal variety) out and come up with something a little more interesting.

NRP – Good afternoon can I ask…

GSL – Oooooh, the spirits are cloudy, you must cross my palm with silver and they may clear.

NRP  – [takes money out of pocket] I’ve only got tenners, have you…

GSL –  [snatches tenner and stuffs it under her crystal ball] thank you young man, how may Gypsy Sammy Lee assist you this fine day?  Are you looking for love?  Want a curse removing?  Or do you wish to know your future?

NRP – Well Latics are playing Spurs this Sat…

GSL – Ahhh, Spurs.   Danny Blanchflower, Glen Hoddle, Ossie Ardilles wonderful team, wonderful club.  Proper football, the beautiful game.  What do you wish to learn about them.

NRP – Well we lost heavily to them, and there’s going to be loads of bad press in the lead up to this one, I was looking for something a little bit different than what we’ll be getting from the ‘Arry Redknapp loving journos will be pushing about.

GSL – Aaaaaahhhhhh, ‘appy ‘arry, Gypsy Sammy Lee had him in her booth on more than one occasion when she was based in Bournemouth, I can tell you.  Lovely fellow, always got a brown envelope when you need one.  Loves wheeling and dealing that one does, oooh and the lovely Sandra.  Their Jamie’s a bit of alright as well in the?

NRP – And the football? 

GSL – Sorry, the spirits distracted me there, maybe they’ll stay focussed if you crossed my palm with silver?

NRP – I’ve only got, oh, sod it [hands over a tenner], so the football?

GSL – Aaaaah, Spurs, proper football team, I see a tricky encounter with some children in their recent past, they may be tired from their exertions.  I see a tall, gangly stranger who’s exertions have taken him away from the football pitch, but I see strength in depth and ‘arry’s ability to keep them fighting on more than one front.  The number 1 is significant and I see a cup of silver waiting for them in the near future.

NRP – There are two teams in the game though

GSL – I see a tree and a crown, I see a swarthy foreigner, in fact several, but I can’t understand anything they are saying.  They can’t understand each other.  I can sense that they’re being watched but I can’t see the crowd.  I feel great anguish and pain, confusion and anger.  There is a small man trying to escape this but the doors are barred.

NRP – That’s Latics, what about the game?

GSL – The spirits are fading, maybe they’ll be stronger if…

NRP – I crossed your palm?  [hands over a tenner]

GSL – Urrrggh the spirits are in turmoil, quick, what do you want to know

NRP – Saturday’s game, what chances have Latics got?

GSL – Why didn’t you ask? I don’t need the spirits to tell you that love, they’ve no bloody chance!

And with that, our faithful hero leaves the darkened booth, hands in pockets and £30 lighter, off to search for some fish and chips and five donuts for £3 and safe in the knowledge that, where football is concerned, even the spirits can only come up with hackneyed rubbish.



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