Grill Power

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We normally do this thing we call Sixy Talk it’s a quickfire way, unusual for us we know, of catching up with opposition fans ahead of games.  We decided to get into the swing early this year and grabbed two Evertonians off of Twitter to grill.  However, in terms of keeping thins down to six questions, we might have picked the wrong ones.

Welcome to our chat with @Gwladruns and @SamWhyte, or “what happens when the podcast that can talk shit for hours meets two lasses who make a speciality out of talking shite on the internet”…

So… Who are you and what are your credentials?  Why are we even interested in your views on Wigan vs Everton?

Sam: Just a humble Evertonian making her way through a post-Roberto 2014 wasteland. With a massive soft spot for Wigan owing to you all being nailed on good sorts.

Liz: 48 years old and followed Everton all over the place for way too long. You’re probably interested in my views because I’ve listened to your podcast and I talk loads of shite on Twitter

Ah, Roberto. There’s a man you’d never catch talking shite on the internet. To be honest, we’re finding it hard to believe that it’s nearly the football season. We’ve not even had our holidays yet. So, if you had to describe both our teams as a holiday destination, what would it be and why?

Sam: Wigan are a week’s all inclusive in Benidorm. You don’t necessarily much but everyone in the resort’s determined to make the best of it. FA Cup 2013 is a spectacular pill a lad from Atherton slipped you on the last night.

Everton’s that cottage in the lakes you go every year with the family in hope more than expectation of a good time with ever decreasing tolerance for your gobshite cousins.

Liz: I think we’re more like some kind of holiday resort that you think is going to be ace but it’s just shite

Sam: Yeah, there’s a Christmas vibe. You really look forward to it then it’s just really tense and stressful.

There can’t be any stress yet, surely? It’s only July and it’s only a preseason friendly. In fact is there even any point in the game? Have you ever derived any pleasure from a preseason game, ever?

Liz: I’ve watched some in ace places round Europe. Stupidest was probably flying to Tanzania. Last year I went to Portugal but couldn’t be arsed going to the second game, stayed by the pool.

I’ve also just remembered when I went to Accrington Stanley on my birthday. Can’t say I wasn’t warned about what would happen if I didn’t drink milk.

Sam: Was Distin and “he’s up at half four” a pre-season? That’s always tickled me.

Liz:  Yes! That was the Accrington one. ‘Semi skimmed my Lord, semi skimmed’.   Magnificent. For PAN-ers who don’t know this was when Sylvain Distin was having an affair using a milkman alias. Players falling about laughing at the crowd chants.

Even he was laughing *swoon*

So, on the subject of swooning. Which side of the Roberto fence did you fall on? Gorgeous Catalan or Spanish prick? Have you got any favourite Bobby moments?

Liz: Gorgeous Catalan. Loved him then and love him now.  This is the best…


But is that enough to forgive him Antolin Alcatraz and Arouna Kone?

Liz: Alcaraz {makes heart sign and goes gozzy eyed}

It didn’t end well for Roberto. The crowd turned on him and the atmosphere was poison. I’m not sure he could have carried on. But we played some great stuff in his first season and watching us was fun. I wished him well when he left and still do

Sam: We were found out tactically a bit second season under Roberto, but his purple patch is as happy as I’ve ever been watching Everton. Particular high was battering Mourinho’s Chelsea with a perfect hattrick from lovable journeyman Steven Naismith. There’s so much more joy in a battering a pouting Mo and his merry band of coked up Tory sex pests.

It’s a familiar story, the crowd was always split over him at Latics, it was like being in the Tory party. We must be the only club of our size where an FA Cup winning manager would be derided by pretty much half their fans if he came back.

Speaking of the FA Cup, does Everton’s part in that cup run even register for you?

Liz:  The cup game – my mates and I gave a lift to my work pal who is a season ticket holder at Wigan – played for them as a kid in fact. I texted him at half time asking how he was getting home.

Haha, tight gets. That was one of the best five minutes of football I’ve ever seen. It was preceded by a shot from James McCarthy. When are you going to pay us for him?

Sam: Ask Palace. Debt travels with the player.

He’s gone? That ruins my next question about him and Tom Davies. What’s the deal with him anyway is he just trying to compete with Leighton Baines in the hipster footballer stakes?

Liz: We love to ruin a player by building them up to be the best thing in the world then making it their fault when they’re not. We’re world class at it.

Surely he’s the best at man buns, ridiculous trousers and moody Instagram posts from coffee shops?

Liz: World class. I don’t give a shite tbh, just play well

So who’s decent for you these days? I don’t think I’ve watched match of the day since we got relegated so I can even pretend to know.

Liz: Sigurdsson has all the potential in the world and has flashes of real brilliance

Sam: Yep. Digne at left back is worth looking out for too.

Surely he can’t be better than someone with “Jedi” for a nickname?

Sam: Oh, God, perish the thought, but he’s the young heir apparent. Succession is always a bit of a worry with a player like Baines.

He can’t have long left now, how good a player has he been for Everton? It’s not been a bad career for a young lad I saw get picked up by his mum and dad at Wigan Wallgate station after his first end of season do in the first team.

Sam: I’ll never forget looking him up on YouTube when we were in for him and the only two clips were that penalty miss and footage of him pissed up in a night club. He’s been outstanding. That exceptional season we had everything started from him and the way he overlapped with midfield was gorgeous. Faded a bit with age but haven’t we all.

Liz: Him and Pienaar was just beautiful

Sam: It was telepathic between them two. So elegant.

Erm, leave the homo-eroticism to us, eh?  But, carrying on that theme, I suppose. Are there any of our other players you’d have taken down the years? Anyone particular from that Bob era? Chris has someone in mind….

Liz: Apart from Jordi?

We think he’s still locked in Chris’s attic, so yes. Apart from Jordi.

Liz: You don’t honestly think I know anyone else who played for you?  My mate loved N’zogbia and I do love a punctuation mark in a surname so probably him

Apparently you were linked with Shaun Maloney, causing massive ructions at Latics that led to us ending up in League two.

Liz: Ah, the old Watford ‘it’s Everton’s fault’ strategy

Oh, definitely not. The club was already in bits following Martinez going to… oh, yeah right.

I don’t suppose there’s any point asking whether either of you are joining the invading hordes from Winstanley & Skem tonight, are you? How do you reckon the game will go?

Liz: I’m in Bilbao moving to San Sebastián later today so I certainly won’t be. I’m sure a pint in the SBW would beat anything San Sebastián has to offer like

I reckon Everton will lose, and the Twitter fume will be magnificent

Sam:  I wont be able to make it tonight. It feels like an absolutely prime game to lose like. There’ll be wailing, gnashing of teeth, calls for an armed insurrection. Smashing.

Can we deal on a 0-0 draw so that we can have Twitter meltdowns on both sides? I’m expecting plenty of “we’d have beaten these men if we’d made some proper signings” type fume.

Sam: As long as there are at least two horrifically wasted chances per side.   As for former Latics, let’s not forget this eternal mantra.

The sad thing is, that’s true.

Sam: It’s literally true for most of us. Stay humble, lads.

We’d normally ask away fans about their plans for the day, but seeing as you’re not coming… have you ever been out around Wigan. Any recommendations for visitors?

Sam: I went to see Radical Dance Faction at The Boulevard not long ago and that was a smashing night. Very friendly. Loads of crusties pilled off their heads. Exactly what I was hoping for.

Obviously Galloway’s straight off the train. Sample the local cuisine.

Liz: I’ve not been regularly since I was a kid and my Dad worked at Wallgate. Quick trip to rub the foot at Mesnes Park and a butter pie from Barons was a great day out. Last couple of times I’ve been it’s just been one in The Anvil.

Apart from the mad wool dash from Wallgate to North Western of course

Just seen this though…


Sam:  Bloody hell. Have to say the veganisation of bakeries has raised my quality of life beyond recognition.

That brings us nicely to our traditional last set of questions. You’re both vegans, right? How does that affect your pie intake? What the bloody hell goes in a vegan pie anyway? More importantly. What is your favourite pie, how do you eat it and are is it acceptable to have condiments with them?

Sam:  I don’t let it hold me back coz I’m a strong, independent woman with a lust for pastry. Morrison’s have started doing an excellent vegan pasty. Very Cornish pasty-esque. That on a bap is a fine thing. Bit of brown sauce if the fancy takes you, but not a necessity. Black pepper to finish.

Liz: Any pie. I have successfully veganised the butter pie. Loads of white pepper. Fry’s pepper steak for a bought one. Pastry products everywhere these days.

Hmmm one of those answers was a pasty and the other contains pretend meat, I’m not sure which is worse, but neither is as bad as the gluten free efforts Jimmy got stuck judging at this year’s pie awards. 

I suppose that’s a good point for us all to go and find things to do that we can pretend are cooler than going watching a pre-season friendly.  Thanks for the chat and hopefully we’ll see you at some other point this season. 

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