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Are you a Pathetic Casual?

It’s Blackpool away this weekend and we plucked this article from the Mudhutter archives…..

A new phenomenon is sweeping the terraces. The days of men being men are no more and a pleasant mob of middle aged saps are steaming through a concourse near you. The Pathetic Casuals take no prisoners in their quest for real ale, thermal socks and a nice seafood platter. Maybe you’ve spotted one of them? Maybe you are one even?

Why not take part in the following quiz to ascertain just how truly pathetic you really are:

 

  1. You’ve got an early start as it’s a big away day, what do you have for breakfast?

a) A bowl of cereal and an apple, don’t want to miss the coach

b) A full fry up and four pints of Carling

c) A banana and pecan banoffee slice and an extra skinny latte from a branded coffee house purchased using your discount card points

 

  1. Where do you prefer to go for a drink pre-match at an away game?

a) in the designated “away fans” pub

b) Wetherspoons

c) a back street tapas bar three miles from the ground

 

  1. What’s your pre-match tipple?

a) A lager shandy as I’m driving

b) 12 cans of Fosters

c) A bottle of Mateus shared with a friend

 

  1. Who are you most scared of in life?

a) Iain Dowie

b) Millwall Bushwhackers

c) your wife

 

  1. Do you go for a drink before a home game?

a) Yes, I like to catch the early game in the South Stand Bar and read my programme

b) Moon Under Water, ten bells every week without fail

c) I might sneak a cheeky one in the Brick at half two if I get through the morning’s chores list quickly enough

 

  1. What’s your favourite app on your phone?

a) Sky Sports Mobile, it means I get to see the goals even when I’m on the move

b) Blackberry Messenger, it helps us sort out a meet with rival mobs away from the prying eyes of the OB

c) The Weather Channel, as I’m always looking to get the first cut of the season in on the lawn

 

  1. What are your memories of Bruges?

a) A fascinating city full of marvellous gothic architecture, traditional churches flanked by serene canals and of course a historic first game in Europe for Latics

b) Singing in the main square and firebombing that boozer

c) Playing boules outside Cafe Vlissinghe for twelve hours solid and indulging in their marvellous home made fish soup whilst ogling the waitress fifteen years your junior

 

  1. What medicines do you carry with you at all times?

a) Maybe some paracetamol as watching Latics gives me a headache! [laughs]

b) Four grams of beak

c) Anusol, Bonjela and toe fungal cream

 

  1. What does Christmas mean to you?

a) Hymms, Downton Abbey and watching the kids open their presents

b) Thirty one days of getting s***faced

c) Spending £600 at B&Q to make sure you’ve got better external lights than your neighbours

 

  1. What is your preferred match day accessory?

a) half Wigan, half Zulte Waregem scarf

b) smoke bombs, flares and a Stanley knife

c) Long johns, gloves and a health bracelet

 

  1. It’s Blackpool away. Where are you headed?

a) Up the tower and Madame Tussauds

b) Brannigans to leer at the dirty strippers and then the Tower Ballroom to get banjoed by 50 Sheffield United fans on a stag do

c) The Arabian Nights Donkey Derby to try out your new “wrist action” technique

 

  1. What’s your preferred matchday reading material?

a) The programme

b) Internet message boards to see where their mob are plotting up

c) The Telegraph, for its Saturday gardening supplement

 

  1. What’s your favourite clothes label?

a) Mi-fit

b) Paul & Shark

c) Dunn & Co

 

  1. Who’s our best ever player?

a) Arjan De Zeeuw

b) Arjan De Zeeuw

c) Gary Caldwell

 

  1. What do you like to eat on the way back from a game?

a) A Motorway service station Ginsters

b) Eat? F*ck off

c) An impromptu tapas featuring olives, seafood, chicken teriyaki skewers and wasabi peas all washed down with a glass of fizz!

 

  1. It’s 1am on Sunday. Where are you?

a) Tucked up in bed catching the last of the Football League Show

b) In Jumpin’ Jaks glassing a bouncer

c) Fast asleep on the toilet bollock naked having earlier soiled yourself

 

How did you fare:

Mostly a) Those moody b**tards forgot to tell you it’s not the programme before taking your money didn’t they?

Mostly b) You’re as loyal as they come and all set to be a future leader of Wigan yoof, until the banning order arrives but never mind there’s always #ZANTE2018 to look forward to.

Mostly c) You are truly a pathetic casual, maybe you should buy a t-shirt. or some badges  Now can you stop reading this and finish your FA Cup article Neil.

Note: Any resemblance to any contributors, sellers or editors of Mudhutter throughout this article is purely coincidental

 

The above article first appeared in the MFE Issue 53, if you liked it the latest issue of the Mudhutter along with a selection of back issues is on sale here: https://mudhutter.co.uk/product/mfe-issue-64/

Or we’re still open for subscriptions. If you want to get all 5 issues this season for just £10 or £7 for a digital copy, then just follow this link: https://mudhutter.co.uk/product/mfe-subscription-2017-18/

 

Episode 33 of the Pie at Night Podcast can be found itall the usual places, our Soundcloud page, on iTunes  or by searching on your preferred podcast app.  You can also get it on our brand spanking new AudioBoom page, or if you like it here, by clicking play on the player below…

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