P is for Paltry Performances

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Welcome to the Emporium of S—e where we celebrate, if that’s the right word, those players who were less than perfect in a Wigan Athletic shirt. And as ever, controversy is never too far away. 

Alan goes first and plumps for red hot pre-contest favourite, Jeff Peron. The fey Frenchman was a master of falling over his own feet and not very good.

Luke goes for Gino Padula, the Jesus lookalike Argentinian left back who certainly didn’t produce miracle performances. In fact, he barely played at all yet we still made up a song about him a la Dexy’s Midnight Runners.

Jimmy opts for Andy Porter, a fans favourite and player of the season at Port Vale but hardly did anything for us and couldn’t get in the team. Because he wasn’t good enough or out of favour? Who knows…

The briefest (harsh) mention of local lad Ian Pendlebury before Chris pipes up from controversial corner and blurts out Nick Powell. As much for his attitude during his first spell as for his second, in spite of him being the man who scored some critical goals in our doomed attempt to stay up. There is logic though including his attitude and also blasting it unnecessarily from 30 yards against Arsenal in the cup semi final and then getting done for drink driving when he could have helped us get through the play offs with his head switched on. The case for prosecution rests.

From Nick Powell to Gary Powell, he of the wonder run and goal against Rotherham but a bit inconsistent in front of goal. Alan is clearly gunning for Andy Pilling, who as a local lad appears to have had altercations with at least two of the Pie At Night crew. His other crimes? For thinking he was better than he was. And what he was wasn’t very good.

Rob is our Leeds guest and throws Jermaine Pennant in, for his Leeds performances predominantly, but hey, in for a penny in for a pound. There’s also an audacious attempt to chuck Jason Pearce in due to him being a yard dog and Rob’s all time worst player is nominated as being Kevin Nicholls.

The whole section culminates in fine form with an old drunk joining in to tell us that World War Three is imminent.

To the public vote, and we find ourselves with two qualifying heats. It’s probably appropriate to point out at this stage that we don’t do the voting (bar one each) we just put the names up.

Heat number one is a real humdinger with a surprising victor. Nick Powell goes through to the next round with 29% of the vote. The two Andy’s Pilling & Porter are deadlocked in second on 27% with Gary Powell sweeping up the remaining 16% (YES WE KNOW, AVID MATHEMATICIANS OUT THERE!! WE BLAME TWITTER!!)

The second semi final is won by Monsieur Peron at a canter. The only surprise here is that he only got 50% of the vote.

So to the final, and again it is simply a case of determining how many percentage points that Jean François will win by. As Jonny F on Twitter pointed out “if you haven’t voted for Peron, then you never saw him play”.

In the end it was a clear victory but JFFP only actually received 57% of the vote and despite the outcry over Nick Powell towards us (yes – US! Not YOU, the lunatics voting for him!) it seems that a good 25% of Latics fans wanted to throw him into the mire rather than French Jeff. Bodes well for next season if he’s still here.

The Emporium of S***e letter P was discussed during Episode 24 of the podcast, which you can find on our SoundCloud page and when you’ve done that Episode 25 is now also online, find it on your favourite podcast app, our SoundCloud page or listen on the player below. 


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