Emporium of S-Express

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Schmeets, Schtojkovic, Schammon and Scharner?

So we move on to the sure to be hotly contested Emporium of S***e for the letter S but not without a quick post mortem for the letter R. Riera and Rogne worse than Neil Redfearn? Surely not?

Anyway, regular listeners will know what’s been coming for a while, not that it makes it any less shocking, in an episode which has already been dubbed SCHARNERGATE on social media.

But let’s start at the beginning. As ever, we try and let our guests go first and John Coyne nominates Dutchman Jorg Smeets for wearing children’s boots and reveals some of his interesting and very Dutch off field activities.

Ian nominates Jason Scotland, a case of Martinez going back to what he knew but the player’s goalden touch deserted him in the Premier League and only succeeded in looking completely hapless.

Sean goes for what is sure to be a popular choice in the form of mad Serbian Vladimir “star jumps” Stojkovic, a truly awful keeper, but when your back up is Ghanian ‘keeper Richard Kingson, well, he’s going to get games….

Then comes the bombshell as not one but two members of the Pie At Night crew attempt to throw Paul Scharner into the abyss.

Now as the abuse is rolling in, I feel I must point out that this was not my nomination, nor do I support it but conversely there were some very relevant points made about some of the deficiencies of everyone’s favourite wacky Austrian. His propensity to go walkabout. His insistence he was a midfielder not a centre half. His continual tact of wanting to move to a bigger club and contract demands. And all that daft stuff on his website. I’ll leave it there. Listen for yourself and decide.

Back in the relatively safe zone of dodgy keepers, in fact dodgy Scottish keepers and can we throw Derek Stillie in? Of course we can!

Also worthy of a mention is Scott Sinclair. Perhaps not for his lack of ability, nor did he get on the pitch that often for us but more likely that he is a symbol of all that is wrong with football. A Chelsea player who racked up over a dozen clubs and tens of millions in fees before he was even 25.

So who else is under consideration?

Kevin Sharp? Again harsh but for getting unnecessary red cards and suddenly improving when his contract was due up perhaps.

Conor Sammon? The complete opposite of prolific but there was THAT goal against West Ham which arguably repaid his modest £400,000 outlay a hundred times over.

These last few were not bad players, they just had their flaws, or played for us at the wrong time. How about Stuart Storer then? On loan from “them men”, pencil thin spiv ‘tache, lightning quick but otherwise useless.

There is also a mention of one other, sacrilegious name – yes even more so than Scharner – but I’m afraid you’ll have to listen to the podcast to find out who we mean.

There is the briefest mention of Josip Skoko and Ronnie Stam before we realise that we haven’t even mentioned, let alone abused the waste of space that was Andy Saville.

To the polls, and after a bit of whittling down, we are left with two groups of four.

In Group 1, Vladimir Stojkovic and Jason Scotland leave Jorg Smeets and Derek Stillie floundering in their wake.

Heat two sees Paul Scharner polling a paltry 7% despite the dangerous agenda led attempts to influence voting by two of the TPAN crew and Andy Saville and Stuart Storer don’t manage much more. What is left is something of a landslide as poor old Conor Sammon polls 55% of the vote.

The final is a much more even contest and I think we can mostly agree that the best man (worst man) won. It wasn’t Conor Sammon, it wasn’t Andy Saville, it wasn’t even Jason Scotland. No, it could only be Vladimir Stojkovic, the daft Serbian lunatic. The sort of ‘keeper that this contest was invented for.

You can listen to Episode 26 of the Pie at Night Podcast, “Working on a building of love”, in all its digital mastery by searching for us on your favourite Podcast app, going to our soundcloud page or listening to us on the player below.



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